Eyes Wide Open-Awakened

As I sit here pondering what to write, the question: when did I see my parents as people surfaced. When did I see it? Complete transparency...I could not see them as people until I matured enough not to be considered a child. My child perspective, eyes, led me to place my parents in a box. For some, parent is the end all, be all. For some, it is a role, an undertaking yet a blessing. 

                                                       

I could not conceive that my parents were actually man and woman who was filled with dreams and aspirations coupled with disappointment and trauma. My vision and understanding did not allow me to. We did not talk about those things in the home; we did not cover them at school, nor did we address them at church. Because the reality that my parents could also be people, be human, was not communicated, I lacked that exposure.

My lack was unearthed during my 23rd year. I was becoming those people that I boxed up and wrapped, not in pretty paper with a bow, but a brown paper bag with some cheap transparent tape. Bringing a life into the world awakened me in a sense unknown. I was met with anxiety, stress, confusion, joy, happiness. I was met with an overwhelming responsibility to care for someone else's life. The undertaking seemed to be daunting. 

Being a parent, an active one, who was clueless about parenting, I embarked on the journey. I felt ill-equipped. I babysat often, but my friends, babysitting does not prepare one for the 25 hour 8 days a week responsibility. On my journey, I encountered people placing me in a box and telling me how my dreams and aspirations were no longer of a concern. I was told the only person's dreams and needs that mattered was the precious life the Most High entrusted me to care for.

I was offended. I did not accept that as my reality. I was more than a mother! I still mattered. If I did not meet my milestones, then how could my child ever have a positive, open view on her options. I was more than a mother!!! Then, I thought my mother was too. My father was more than that and so was my step dad.

I am sure they, too, had to compartmentalize and figure out how to serve their children and themselves. I am certain that they dealt with imbalances in trying to do so. I am sure they did the best they could.

How dare I have the gall to place them in a box that God did not assign? It was wrong of me. My older self, the adult, says to my younger self, "Be gentle with your mother. Try to understand your father. Give grace to your stepfather. They are doing the best that they know!"

                                              

It is always said that parenting does not come with a book. It doesn't! The best manual to use in rearing is the Holy Bible. Conversely, one does not exist that shows or explains that one's parents were not equipped to become these "storybook: TV parents" that are fantasy. People are complex. Situations are complex. Parenting is complex. Life is complex. And, no one has all of the answers.

Once we as a society can accept that followed by having authentic conversations and unpacking things, ideologies, and people that do not serve us at different facets of life, we will reach a new awakening. We will be more gentle and kind. We will understand that God, in his limitless wisdom, would not limit HIS people.

                       

Thank you, God, for opening my eyes.